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The guys inside decide you belong, the door buzzes, and you walk up a staircase and down the rabbit hole. You press a buzzer and gaze into a security camera on the ceiling. There's no sign of any kind of bar, but with a wink, the security guard out front points you toward a locked side door. You head to the Floridian, a towering condo on West Avenue located a stone's throw from the usual SoBe traffic pouring from the MacArthur Causeway onto Alton Road. Smack in the middle of South Beach is a grimy, real-life dive bar you've never heard of. It's hard to believe the place could actually exist. It's the kind of joint you'd see in Fight Club or a snuff film.
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Swing by for the popular Thursday karaoke night and listen to myriad butchered versions of "Total Eclipse of the Heart." Here, if you're lucky, you'll be served by an androgynous waiter with the voice of Michael Jackson, meet a drunken clown who makes anatomically correct balloon animals, or possibly make out with a dominatrix who'll take you home and show you all of her whips.
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Friday and Saturday the service continues until 5 a.m., so the place attracts only the most sophisticated individuals. Formerly Starlite Diner, this joint serves up booze until 4 a.m. When the lights flicker on at 2 or 3 a.m., sample the underbelly of Kendalia at Kendall Village Diner. Or maybe watch a UFC match and fight off an Egyptian businessman who's trying to get your number by swiping your cell phone and calling himself. Strike up a conversation with a tired Macaroni Grill employee and bet the person next to you five bucks you can guess which of the waitresses in insanely tight bustiers has real breasts. Sit down at the large, circular main bar and try one of the delicious oversize martinis there's the Jolly Rancher and the key lime martini ($11 each). It's a swanky spot decked out in cartoonish murals, dim lounge areas with leather seating, and pool tables galore. Once you've tired of this scene and finished scarfing down a plate of tostones with chicken ($8.29), head over to Gatsby's, a chain bar, for a slightly classier, mahogany wood experience. And if you can't find him, you might bump into one of the many scantily dressed mistresses freely flopping their back rolls to calypso music as their married lovers leer and sip Black Label on the rocks.
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He'll be sipping a mojito made from freshly squeezed guarapo ($5.50). There's the dude who drives around in a station wagon adorned with a weather vane, a wooden toilet seat, and dolls (Kendall people, you know you've seen him) he might be among those packed on the wooden patio of Bahama Breeze, a chain restaurant, one Friday night. honestly, did Don Carter's and one of the last strawberry fields in the area really need to get demolished for another Staples and a Costco? But the most interesting thing about Kendall is that although it looks homogenous, it is in Miami-Dade and therefore is filled with tons of interesting characters. And they adore the literal ones as well - the Targets, Best Buys, Denny's, and. There are the figurative ones that seem to lock them to their red-tiled roofs and peach-colored walls.